CHAPTER 1: SWEET SURRENDER

Before I tell the tale of these sweet sisters, I must first tell how they ever came to be. Truly, had it been solely up to my husband, Bryan, and me, they never would have existed.

Just a few years ago, Bryan and I were very content and happy with our three beautiful children: Afton, Bennett, and Avonlea. We were past the napping and diaper-changing stages of child rearing. We could travel. We could go on errands without having to haul strollers and sippy cups and snacks. We could eat out in restaurants without the hassle of high chairs and trying to order food that looked like it had already been chewed. We were free from all that. Blissfully free.

But not long after my 42^nd birthday, God began to challenge me about our family. He posed a very pointed question to me. He said,

“Why do you call me Lord and yet I am not Lord of your family? Why do you call me Lord and yet I am not Lord of your womb?”

I was shocked by this question. I was utterly floored by it. The implications were far reaching. Both Bryan and I had been in church all of our lives. I taught a women’s Bible study at my church. We led a small group in our home. But there was a major part of my life that I had never given to my heavenly Father. This question cut to the deepest part of me. Every bit of it was true, and I knew it…

God had never been Lord of my family, not in that way. I had planned out each of our family’s expansions meticulously. For our second child, I had even calculated the day that it was most advantageous to have a boy, since we already had our girl. (Ahem.) And it worked! I was in control and I never bothered to ask God whatt He thought. Thankfully, He liked my plan and seemed to agree with what I wanted.

Soon after giving birth to our 3^rd child, I turned 39. We had two young ones in diapers and I figured it was time to close up shop. It was time to move on from that part of our lives. I didn’t pray about it, really. Why would I? Only strange people had babies in their 40’s, or people who married very late in life and didn’t already have young children. Bryan and I had been married for 15 years. We had surpassed the national average in terms of offspring. We had our hands full. It was time to move on.

And we did move on… we were finally free.

But then came those probing questions. Again and again. 

“Why do you call me Lord and yet I am not Lord of your family? Why do you call me Lord and yet I am not Lord of your womb?” 

Those questions hung in my spirit like a heavy fog that just wouldn’t lift.

I’ve come to realize that God doesn’t ask questions because He needs the answer. He asks questions because we do. And the answer to His question was this this:

I didn’t really trust that God knew what was best for me. I didn’t believe that He knew what was best for my future. I’d never even asked Him what He wanted for our family, and yet I called Him Lord.

He wasn’t really Lord then, was He? That broke my heart.

But as I have come to learn with our loving Father, after He convicts, He inspires. He doesn’t leave us in a broken state any longer than He has to. I sensed that the Lord was dangling the most amazing carrot before me, the most beautiful dream. He whispered to me in prayer, 

“What if I wanted to do something powerful in your family through you, would you say ‘no’ to Me? What if I wanted to do something incredible in My kingdom through you, would you say ‘no’ to Me?” 

How could I refuse? Why would I?

Still, through the course of many months, I wrestled privately with the implications of this surrender, of what it would mean for my husband, for my future, for my aging body. This was no small thing. Seriously. Many of my friends were having grandchildren, and I would be schooling my own kids until I was a senior citizen. My kids would be applying for college while I was applying for social security.

Finally, on the way home from my 20-year college reunion, where we caught up with friends who were preparing their children to go to college, I shared with Bryan what God had spoken to my heart. I told him that I thought the Lord wanted to give us another child.

(Me with my college chums: Brad, Kevin, & Jessica, at my 20 year reunion.)

Bryan was shocked, to say the least. I probably could have said, 

“Hey honey, I think the Lord is calling us to be missionaries to Mars,” 

and he would not have been more surprised. But I shared my heart and wisely left the subject alone. For five whole weeks, I said nothing more about it. (That is very hard for a woman to do, btw.) I knew that God would have to speak to my husband himself. I certainly couldn’t lead him to that spiritual destination. I could hardly believe that I was there myself.

Meanwhile, I began to see a child as I prayed. A little boy. I knew that the Lord was promising us a son.

…And at that sweet place of surrender, I discovered that what I had never wanted, I now wanted more than anything.

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